If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
