Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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