The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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