tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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