I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
