He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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