so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
this will be a night to untag.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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