Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
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The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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