I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
