We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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