I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm at about main and main street
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think your dad took our porno
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
