lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
