Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
