Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
