A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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