I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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