I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
