I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
