Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
