Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
