She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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