My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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