dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
