I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
