He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
