He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i think i have herpe
just one?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
