I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
