We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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