Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
birth control should be required to get into college
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
