I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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