There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
