i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
