Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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