The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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