maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
