Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
