I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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