My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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