i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
