Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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