I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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