Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
whose parrot is this?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
