a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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