As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
