Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
