is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
