Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
