I feel great
I just peed on a car
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
