I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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