We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
