I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
