we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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