Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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