Plan B is the new Plan A
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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