I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
