i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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