we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.