Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
