watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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