Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
