Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
