today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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