That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize